Just another walk for the Crimson Fucker
by TheCrimznFuckr
Summary: When Alucard is left on a mission to eliminate Edward Cullen, he meets two unfavorable people...


**"Deary me Integra, do you suppose that Alucard can handle this mission... properly?" Walter inquired his employer with worry.**

"I don't believe there is much reason to worry. The collateral can only amount up to what... one... two million this time? Nothing we can't pay for. Its just killing a few 'vampires'" Integra insured her butler. "Walter. A cigar."

Walter handed her one of her Cubans. He pawed at the files on Integra's desk to see what this mission was all about when his face contorted in horror as he came across a realization. "Wait! Do they live in the manor just outside of the town!?"

"Why yes, what's the matter? Its just a quick termination jo-" Integra paused "...THATS In ROUTE OF ALUCARD'S... walking path... Walter, what time is it?"

"Walter held up his watch for about 8 seconds until he could name the time precisely. "Twelve o'clock, my lord." Integra sank into her chair and sighed.

"Lord help us.."

Well, the Integra bizatch had instructed me that I had to chug some sparkle fairies blood for dinner, and I was all like "Hell yes!" I wanted to bring the big tittied police girl but the old fart Walter was all like "Oh no, I'm old and she needs to eat blood.

Anyway, Im off into the woods on my nightly walk as I come across the mansion that Im to... do my stuff in... hehehe...

So anyway, I walk into the house (like a boss) as I see this pussy ass grandma walk in and tell me "Oh, you can't be in MY house, Im the big mighty Edward Cullen, wa! I have a wife with the personality of a brown paper bag, wa!" I give that bitch a warning shot with my pimp hand across the temple. With my pimp hand I mean the barrel of my gun. Blood splattered everywhere and then I get a little chub going on. While Bitchy McSparklezalot lies on the floor, his girlfriend prances in and my arousal gets deleted. I elevate my gun to shoot her while the little skank on the floor shoots up and bites my arm. "Oh, how cute. You're growling." I rip HIS arm off and eat it while eyeing the female, showing her what's coming to her. Except with less symbolism and more my penis in her vagina.

The 'man' drops on the floor again, yelling at me that I'm a monster. I summon my familiars (like I do) and feed him to the shadow dogs somehow attached to my body. I could just have jabbed my middle finger through his nose and out his head, doing the same to his girlfriend behind him in the same motion, but the Integra bizotch took away my plasma screen TV and thats making me pretty fucking violent.

While cleaning the blood soaked manor with my mouth, getting my fill, I made my leave while deciding that that had to be THE worst walk I have ever been on - I mean, I only got to kill like... two creatures. If only the police girl were here, she would have went on one of those blood rages and made that poor sap die with a raging boner... I was back into the thick of the woods when I saw this strange kid with an eye patch with his gay-ass butler. The tall one looked at me with a hasty look. I decide to walk over there and give him a piece of my mind.

"You again, huh? Integra made it pretty clear to take away vacation days if I mixed with the likes of you but- HEY! Don't walk away while Im talking to you!" I melt in the shadows and appear in front of him. "Look buddy, I got netflix at my place if you want to-"

"Enough! If you must know, we are here to collect information pertaining to one: Crimson Fucker for legal inquiry, orders by the Queen. Now, if you would kindly step out of the way before I use force, that would be greatly appreciated."

"Well well well, It seems as though my name has spread around. I would be the Crimson Fucker in question, but I will not be spending the night with you unless you want to tussle with alla dis." I said as I spread my arms. "Now I'd love to film you and your master's sex tape, but I there's a new episode of Adventure Time and I really must hurry." I turn and swagger away (like a boss) into the woods as he grabs my coat. Shit just got real.

"You will NOT get away with insulting my master's honor! I will make certain that-"

"What honor? I saw what was going on with him and Anderson! That little bastard dispensed nearly his entire fortune and reputation, batting not an eyelash mind you, to the greedy organization that is hell bent on screwing the world over! Oh yes, he dispensed it alright... All over his back..." I received a love tap to the face from an enraged butler dressed blow-up doll as I begin to chuckle. "Is that the best you got, black licorice? I found it cute as he grunted and lunged back at me, fists ablaze and before long, his bare knuckles were bearing blood. I played dead while he thought I was dead. I regenerate (like a boss) and release the control art restrictions. He eyes glow pink like the little faggots they are when suddenly... it appeared.

"Oooooooooooooooooh," The ginger retard moaned. "This picture just makes me swoon!" He attempted to cuddle between us as we both pushed the thing to one another like a hot potato. "Oh, my Crimson love sword, you're so cold to me!" The beast turned and grabbed the black pussy by the lapel. "And you!" He/she tried to make kiss him passionately as he slashed back with a fork, repelling the beast, who just lunged back up to him from the ground. "KISS ME, YOU FOOL!" It proclaimed as the Buttler (see what I did there?) ducked and it landed head first into a small tree. I tried to fucking book when I heard him waltzing towards me while he was somewhat singing "Oh, my Crimson sex monkey! Are we going back to your love cave? Oh dear, I do hope bassie can join us this time! Oh, Im so wet!" I frowned behind my sunglasses as I roundhoused that faggot back into that tree. The thing produced this chainsaw out of nowhere and was charging at the well tailored slop jockey and me. It became clear that we shared the same enemy as it dawned on me what I must do. I summoned my hound familiar as the emo bitch charged at him with a fork in hand. "Oh Bassie! This is truly just like the old days! I swear I can take you in the rear and that Crimson delight un the mouth right now!" said the horny creature as it swung its toy.

Thats when I decide to be a badass and come in and say to it "Hey, gingerdick! Come get some if you think you got the balls!" I said with my sexy growl voice. "Imma eat yo bitch ass!" As my genius ploy predicted he sprinted into my direction as I literally ate him, the same way I ate that Luke Valentine swine. He did not go down easily either.

When the whole thing settled down that fancy pantsy ass sniffer looked me in the eye, took his child with him and beat it like a biatch.

Halfway back to the head quarters, I get a phone call from the white haired talking vagina.

"Alucard... your taking an awfully long time. Care to give us a field report."

"Well, I was just going for a walk, and..."

The End


End file.
